Does she really want the relationship? - Talk About Marriage

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Yesterday, 12:54 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 6	My fiancee and I have been in this cycle for most of our relationship where things go good, then I mentally check out for some reason and focus on other things and hobbies. When I do this, over time, she will go and do something to get my attention like chat online with ex boyfriends or start online relationships, and when i find out, I get upset and afraid and try to give her everything she wants, and make her feel comfortable again.. I do love her, and over time my feelings have changed about how I feel.. she is the mother of my 2 children and we have gone through so much together. The thought of being without her and my kids destroy me.. Most recently, things have turned for the worse and she wanted me to move out so she could have time without me, to find out if she would miss me.. of course i did not want to do that, and have just been trying to do what i can to comfort her, and re-kindle the relationship. We have not "made love" for at least a month. She still says she loves me, and we kiss and hug. We have been doing lots of talking and just yesterday we were in bed. She had a fever and was sick, and i was taking care of her.. We were talking about various things and she wanted to lay with me in bed.. she said for me not to get any ideas, that she just wanted to be close and lay together. She made a hot bath before I went to work yesterday, and while I was in there, i asked her if she still wanted me to leave... she said no, that things have been good, and this is what she has always wanted. What she is afraid of is, things get good again, and she opens up her feelings to me, i will check out again... she is tired of the hurt, and what she has been doing with me the last month or so, and her actions, i believe is what she percieves of how i was to her.. I know there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. All relationships take work, There is so much more background history to talk of but dont want to bore anyone yet... When it comes down to it.. i love my family.. i want a normal life.. i love her.. i just feel like i have been dragged through the coals.. but want to do whatever i can to show her she is the one. Can anyone chime in? Thanks so much in advance...
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Yesterday, 01:23 PM	? #2 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 6,245	Her reconnecting with ex's is not good at all. Really no excuse. That is emotional cheating. I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs together. Do not skip the boundary setting. Needs are not being met and her boundaries are weak. She is using emotional blackmail. Worse than that there may be a thrid party in your relationship. Never understood people having kids before they were married but it is common these days. To me this shows less than optimal commitment. Maybe she feels that way. You say she is your fiance. When is the wedding? __________________ Never compromise your fundamental boundaries or values out of fear. Your boundaries support the integrity of your inner self. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" -- Confucius Last edited by Entropy3000; Yesterday at 02:18 PM.
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Yesterday, 01:31 PM	? #3 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 10,819	Quote: When I do this, over time, she will go and do something to get my attention like chat online with ex boyfriends or start online relationships, and when i find out, I get upset and afraid and try to give her everything she wants, and make her feel comfortable again.. WTF? Don't marry her, dude. If she needs to get in touch with her exes each time you guys have a disagreement, cut her loose. Stop clinging to her like a vine, it's unattractive. You want a different result? Try something different. Don't reward bad behavior.
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Yesterday, 01:37 PM	? #4 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 6	Quote: Her reconnecting with ex's is not good at all. Really not excuse. That is emotional cheating. I agree.. it is.. But I feel she was reaching out for something that she was needing inside from me, things that I was not giving her.. she is very introverted.. she does not talk when she is upset.. she stuffs it inside... Quote: I suggest you guys do His Needs Her Needs together. Do not skip the boundary setting. Where can i find this? Quote: Needs are not being met and her boundaries are week. She is using emotional blackmail. What do you mean her bounderies are weak? And could you be more specific when you say emotional blackmail? How exactly? Quote: Worse than that there may be a thrid party in your relationship. I think there was to some degree.. as a matter of fact there was.. I do not know how far it went.. but all i can think of is the part that i played in it.. Quote: Never understood people have kids before they were married but it is common these days. To m this shows less than optimal commitment. You say she is your fiance. When is the wedding? There is no date.. as a matter of fact.. after i found out about the problems.. i took the ring off... now the ring is back on..
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Yesterday, 01:44 PM	? #5 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 6	Quote: WTF? Don't marry her, dude. If she needs to get in touch with her exes each time you guys have a disagreement, cut her loose. Stop clinging to her like a vine, it's unattractive. You want a different result? Try something different. Don't reward bad behavior. No.. it is not disagreements.. and we have had plenty of those.. i dont want to give the idea that when we have a problem, or a misunderstanding, she waits for me to leave so she can chat up men.. i do agree with the clinging.. but damn.. i feel like i have not been there so many times emotionally, physically.. i do agree with the rewarding of bad behavior.. we have children and have built a life.. what do i do? i am not trying to cling to her like vine.. but i know i am... how do i release? and would it be a mistake in the long run?
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Yesterday, 02:24 PM	? #8 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 6,245	Quote: I agree.. it is.. But I feel she was reaching out for something that she was needing inside from me, things that I was not giving her.. she is very introverted.. she does not talk when she is upset.. she stuffs it inside... Anytime anyone cheats it is because they are wanting to meet a need. Does not make it right. Where can i find this? You can go to the marriage builders website but it is on amazon.com too. What do you mean her boundaries are weak? And could you be more specific when you say emotional blackmail? How exactly? Read the book. It explains needs and boundaries. You just said when you do not meet her needs she gets attention from other men. That is emotional blackmail. If you did not have children I would say run away. I think there was to some degree.. as a matter of fact there was.. I do not know how far it went.. but all i can think of is the part that i played in it.. So your part was as the BF getting cheated on. Not a fun part. So was the affair dealt with? There is no date.. as a matter of fact.. after i found out about the problems.. i took the ring off... now the ring is back on.. Right. So you guys are just BF / GF with children. No commitment from either side it seems. I get that she was cheating at least emotionally and you took the ring back. So basically you guys are no longer planning to be married. __________________ Never compromise your fundamental boundaries or values out of fear. Your boundaries support the integrity of your inner self. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" -- Confucius
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Today, 02:38 PM	? #12 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 17	Jonathan - you have kids and you're jumping into a situation many of here, hundreds, maybe THOUSANDS are suffering to escape from... a partner that is making hers[him]self available to other people? Are you crazy? You are lucky you aren't married yet. You are DOUBLE lucky that she's the one that wants out! Your TRIPLE lucky, you've found this place filled with people that are giving you quite sound advise here. If you're raising your kids as a single father, this is the last thing you need, man. Imagine being married to her, your kids getting attached to her, and then she betrays all of you? What have you done, but brought betrayal into your kids lives when you already have a chance, and a lot of people strongly advising you to... RUN ... while you can. Good luck.
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Today, 02:48 PM	? #13 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Sep 2012 Posts: 6	We have been together for 8 years.. have had 2 children, never married.. why? I said we needed to get married yesterday.. set a date.. she says we were just thinking of splitting and now we are talking about wedding dates? She is in the drivers seat.. HOW CAN I FIND THE WAY TO RELEASE... TO BREAK FREE FROM THE FEAR OF LOSS.. i feel like i am holding on way too DAMNED tight.. i know she knows it.. how can i be like i was before when i was confortable.. but, the only other change would be treating her like i feel for her now... i heard of the 180, dont know much about it.. but can understand the theory.. i dont want to leave, dont want to be without the kids.. dont want this to be a back and forth thing.. i could only imagine how moving out and in could get easier and easier as time moves on.. i want to put my heels in the sand and WORK THIS OUT!! i can forgive her.. she cant forgive me.. she is scared that i will return to being withdrawn if she "gives me what i want" I dont know what to do...
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Today, 04:21 PM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: Middle USA Posts: 649	Okay.. I have a question.. This "withdrawling" of yourself, to focus on your own hobbies, and other things (I assume friends. -ie: Not any cheating) HOW long of a period of withdrawling is it?? Example.. you focus all on her.. all energies spent on making her happy.. Every day something needed to set her into a smile, etc. Then.. you decide you want to go fishing for a day, or a weekend...etc?? Then when you get back.. you don't "focus only on making her happy" again. Is that how it goes? I mean, when you are focusing on your hobbies, is it only a couple days? IF SO, I'd say she is a complete DRAMA QUEEN. If she can't live without being the center of your attention each and every day.. well, She is being completely selfish!. That is no way for a man to show his appreciation for a woman... just because she demands the attention daily. Even if it was say a week before you focus back on her.. well, I'd think she is being a little unreasonable. You ARE allowed to have a life without her spoon feeding you what your likes/dislikes & emotions "should" be. On the other hand...If after giving yourself some slight pleasure in your own hobbies... then is it more like week , two, three weeks, before you focus back on her again.. .Before you remember to tell her you love her.. & you spend some extra time with her. Or do something special for her... Then yes, I could see that being something that would bother me as a wife. However, I think (Hope) I would be strong enough of a person to gently prompt hubby to start letting me know he still thinks I'm special. Maybe not. maybe I'm too selfish. But anyway... I wonder at how long of a period this is when you are "mentally checked out". Even with that.. .she is still selfish if she decides to start online affairs instead of confronting you that you are ignoring or neglecting some of her emotional needs. You want a wife with a stronger commitment than that!
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